The True Self
I’m tired today.
It’s one of those “I don’t want to go out and do anything at all” days. If anyone spoke to me today, I probably gave them one or two words. I’d love to give more, but I’m just not feeling up to it. It’s not that I need sleep, my brain just feels slower today.
I spent hours trying to figure out what I would write about today; I couldn’t be bothered. I tried getting some more re-writing done in my novel; no dice. I tried conversing a bit with some friends; I was disappointed that I had little to say.
Is this all that I am beneath my reserves of energy? A depressing husk of a man, who doesn’t even care to string a few words together to answer simple questions? Do I really not care about anyone else?
Or am I just tired, and that’s holding me back from being who I truly am? Someone who enjoys conversing, who likes to discuss things, someone who’d help a friend in need?
Who am I, really?
Once you strip everything else away, once all the masks are dislodged and the true self is revealed beneath, what is left?
Am I kind? Am I cruel? A saint or a sinner?
Sometimes, I feel as though I’m a good person trying desperately to show the world how much I care. I want to love people, because they are interesting, because they care too, because they just want to love and be loved like I do underneath it all.
Other times, I feel like I’m a wretched human being beneath the surface. I feel sick of putting up with people’s selfishness, feeling guilty at the same time because of how selfish I am. I feel bitter and betrayed by the world. I just want to shut it all out, tearing down the world around me as I just sit and ignore it, immersing myself in a much more enjoyable world of my own creation. I feel… angry.
Which is me? It feels so interchangeable sometimes. Is there really a “real” me underneath all this persona, or just a blank mind that’s been filled and conditioned since birth to be a certain way?
I want to believe I’m a good person. I want to believe the intrinsic nature of humanity is to love one another, despite all the terrible things that happen every day. I want to believe that there’s a bright future ahead for all of us, where we can discard our masks and be at peace with each other.
But I just don’t know.
Brendon “duality” Regier