Wedding Bells (And Why They Suck)

I’m twenty years old.

You know what period of life that is? Well, according to the recent Facebook relationship updates I’ve received and the lives of my extended family, the twenties are years when a lot of people start tying the knot. And that’s great! I love the idea of two people committing to spending their whole lives together. I guess that I consider myself a bit of a romantic.

The part that pisses me off is the weddings themselves.

Okay, that was too harsh. I really enjoy some parts. The ceremony for instance. You’ve just arrived, everyone is all dressed up, the bride and groom are standing up on stage, hand in hand, surrounded by the wedding party; it’s an image I love seeing every time. That’s the essence of a wedding, the pure center to an otherwise rotten fruit.

Because it doesn’t end there. No, sir.

After you leave the ceremony hall, or hillside, or ocean, or space station, or wherever you had the wedding, you go to a place scheduled for one thing: dragging out something that’s already over.

The reception. (cue ominous music)

No, eating a meal isn’t bad, and no, celebrating a newlywed couple isn’t bad either. But the fact is, these things today go on for so long. An endless parade of speeches, toasts, and pointless wedding games!

The MC, who in my cases is almost always some college buddy of the groom or something, usually makes plenty of lame attempts at humor interspersed with inside jokes that only the groom or his other college buddies will get. Sure, this day is all about the wedding couple, I know, but the MC is addressing a whole room here, most of whom can only laugh awkwardly because they can’t possibly get the punchline!

And let us be clear. Toasts and speeches can be touching. Really touching. People get choked up during those things for a reason, after all. But desensitization doesn’t take that long to kick in. By the third or fourth speech of the evening, it’s mostly reiterating what’s already been said in a new voice. I sit at the table nursing my cup waiting for that moment when we are released from our chairs and we can get on with toasting!

After that, it’s usually the wedding games. The kind that is entirely based around hilariously pointing out gender stereotypes. The one that gets played at ninety percent of the weddings I attend is the game where the couple is sitting back to back and is asked questions about which one of them will do various household chores, or apologize first, or what-have-you, and they answer without their spouse knowing. Sounds funny, right?

Yeah, that game wears thinner faster than the speeches.

And once that is all over? Well then (depending on whose wedding you are at, of course) there’s a first dance, and then it’s time for everyone to get really drunk for the rest of the night.

In the end, you’ve just wasted a full day on something that in all actuality was over in an hour. The romance of it all, the beauty of it, was all encapsulated in that first hour. The rest was some tradition that got so worn out it sucks the energy out of the otherwise special day!

I realize that my opinion of weddings is colored by the specific ones that I attended, but I tend to think most weddings proceed in a vaguely similar manner. I did some wedding video recording with a friend a while back, and from what I saw, most the things I hated about the weddings in my family were still present in those of others as well.

If I ever have the fortune to get married, I’ll probably keep it small. More intimate. And if anyone even brings up that stupid wedding game, I’ll slap them!

Less-than-eloquently yours,
Brendon “is sorry for ranting” Regier

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About Brendon

I am a global terrorism warlord, meth kingpin, and hacker extraordinaire who has a moon base, at least fifteen wives, countless armies at my disposal, and a discover card. Oh, I also frequently make things up when I'm bored.

One response to “Wedding Bells (And Why They Suck)”

  1. her flaming youth says :

    Gotta love a good rant!

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