Most people I know have that one thing they are irrationally pessimistic about.
The one thing that no one could convince you is or isn’t true. Maybe you think you are ugly. Maybe you think you are a terrible singer. Maybe you even have some evidence in your head to back up your claim. Some time in the past that you got booed off stage, or that someone once gave you a stare of disgust.
No matter what it is or how you justify it, you won’t let anyone tell you anything other than what you have firmly set in your mind.
Just like me.
Many have tried to convince me otherwise, but I just have it stuck in my head that I’m going to remain single the rest of my life. That there’s no girl out there who would care romantically for someone like me.
If I were asked to present evidence of this claim, I would probably just say something to the extent of, “well, no one’s been interested so far”. I mean, that’s flimsy as hell for a court, but how am I supposed to present evidence of future events (or even worse, lack thereof)?
It’s not that I think this is concrete, set in stone, or whatever. I know perfectly well it’s an irrational fear that doesn’t necessarily predict how my life will turn out. But it gnaws at me. It occupies my thoughts.
I feel lonely. I see others around me, friends I know, people on the street and even characters in movies (as lame as that sounds) in wonderful relationships, and I get jealous. And then I feel guilty for feeling jealous of other’s happiness. And my guilt makes me feel like I don’t deserve anyone anyway. So I feel lonely. And then the cycle repeats.
It’s not like I don’t appreciate other’s attempts to cheer me up. When you say “I’m sure you’ll find someone”, I want to believe you, but years of longing and no girl giving me a second look have conditioned me otherwise.
I feel quite pitiful about thinking things like this, and I’ll be more than happy to eat my own words and be proven wrong about the whole affair, but nonetheless until that happens, I’m a lonely, sorrowful man.
I think I should probably apologize, this post is fairly depressing. Here, to compensate you, please accept this picture of a puppy:
There, don’t you feel better?
Brendon “a lifetime is a long while to be alone” Regier